May That Day Never Come

Its been a really long time since I last blogged. So much has happened. I don't want to bore anyone with anything and I probably don't have any readers right now as they probably lost all hope in my blogging. But since my last blog I have come to realize that God truly is faithful and knows better about what is best for my life than I do. Right now I am really learning what it means to "let go and let God." I have been trying so hard to follow God obediently I thought that I was doing fine with allowing Him to be in charge of my life- boy was I wrong. There are still areas in my life I still refuse to let go of and continue to do my own way. And no matter how much my life becomes unmanageable I still continue to execute my own will. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results each time. Yeah, that pretty much sums up my life. Its hard to let go and let God. Mainly because I struggle with trust. I don't trust God like I should, if I did I wouldn't try so hard and force things to happen my way. But I keep forcing solutions to my problems, forcing relationships to work, forcing the outcome- trying to paint the future MY WAY to MY LIKES!  So its no wonder I am frustrated, angry, bitter, lonely and INSANE! 

I have been listening to the Pastor at my church talk about Joshua and his army and how they had to walk across a river (I forgot which one but it doesn't matter-really it doesn't matter) and this river was very deep and very fast, and God asks them to cross this river but as they get close to the river they keep expecting God to separate it like He did the Red Sea, but nothing happened. Finally, they step in and then God separates it. The lesson is that God sometimes expects us to take that first step of faith. For some reason, I feel like that is what God is asking me to do right now. Instead of taking that first step, letting go of what I need to let go of, God is going to let me struggle and suffer. He doesn't want me to of course, but He is doing that because He wants my faith to grow, not just be some kind of stagnant belief, but a faith that provokes me to show Him that I do in fact believe in His promises and so that I do learn to trust Him since I struggle with that so much. 

God never asks us to something we are not capable of doing, but He doesn't allow us to be apathetic either. God cares about our growth and our faith. The truth is, is that everyone exhibits a form of faith, it just where that faith is on. My faith was not on God, it was on the outcomes, the results, the solutions. I wasn't living a life of faith based on His will for me, I was living a life of faith based on MY will for me. Every time I ask God to do this or that for me, I am essentially asking Him to execute my will. Sure I can ask whatever I want, but when putting faith on what I want and that He will do as I wish, is not putting faith on God- its putting faith on the sand. Its no wonder I end up so disappointed with Him, so full of self-pity and so full of emptiness. 

I had to learn this the hard way. It was very painful and frustrating to have to go through that, but it was for my own good. The day I stop struggling is the day I stop growing. And may that day never come! 

Its Just A Matter Of Faith!

Life is hard. We really don't know what each day is going to bring. One day we are living to pay the bills and the next we may be facing something so terrible and horrible we think there is no way we will even survive the hour. But somehow we miraculously do. Somehow we find some kind of strength to make it through just one more hour. Somehow we learn to accept life as it is: hard, difficult, unfair, and down right humorous. 

I suppose that if we live in a world full of sinners it would make sense that our life is going to be full of disappointments and hardships. It doesn't matter how much money you make or how beautiful you are or whether you are famous and popular among your peers-- life is sometimes so unbelievably difficult that it feels like death is better than the pain and suffering we are called to endure. 

But its just that very thought that makes it even harder to endure... why are we called to carry such burdens? Isn't this the reason why so many people refuse to believe in a good God and seek him? Why seek a God who calls us to suffering and pain? Why build a relationship with someone who lets little children endure the pain of their parents divorce or go through terminal illnesses? How can God be so good when there is so much evil? Wouldn't a good God DO something about all of this evil? Wouldn't a good God come in and intervene? Wouldn't a good God stop all the madness? 

I just witnessed (spied) on my neighbor crying her eyes out because she is going through a divorce. I don't know the details, but I know that she is hurting. She is in need of some comfort, some ease, some peace. I wanted to go out there and give her a hug. I wanted to tell her that everything is going to be okay, even though I really don't know for sure. I mean, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.... right? But what if I had gone out there and hugged her and told her everything was going to be alright? And what if I did better than that? What if I fixed all of her problems for her. What if I could make her husband stay and not divorce her? What if I could even fix all of her financial problems? All of her emotional problems? Heck, why don't I just make everything go her way all of the time so she won't have to worry about anything anymore! Why don't I make her PERFECT! Wouldn't that be great? 

Somehow, I don't think so. I think that if I did all of that, I would be taking something away from her. I don't know if I will do justice to what I am about to say because what I am about to say is only a reflection of my own experiences. I don't have any right answers or solutions, but I can only relate to this through what I have been through. Watching her cry like that reminded me of those days I too cried like that. I grieved over my lost childhood because of my alcoholic father. I had to release my anger and resentment. I had to cry and suffer--endure the pain that all of that brought me. For years I stuffed inside the frustration and anger towards my dad, my mom, my family, society, and yes even God. I denied my anger, and sorrow for many years-mostly towards God. I thought it was evil and sinful to get angry at God, but deep down inside I was. The more I denied it, the more I became less alive-lost within myself. I couldn't see any of my problems as they were: they were always bigger and more intimidating than they really were. I blamed everyone else for my misery. "If only she.... If only he.... then..." That was how I thought. I thought that if I was better, or if people would just understand and be more obedient than life would be.... easier. 

But that was my mistake. Life is not meant to be easy. Every time I start to think that life "ought to be" something, I fall into that place of self-pity and despair. Every time I want to make my life "easier" I end up making it harder. And when I try and make it "easier" for someone else, I interfere with what God is trying to do in that person's life. I'm not saying I should hold back my hand of compassion, I am saying that it is not within my power to "do" something for the other person to feel less pain or make their life comfortable. Sometimes all we can do is offer a hug, or say a silent prayer for them. Sometimes we have to let go and let them feel the discomfort of life. We have to let the tears come. We have to let them get angry and sometimes even at God. God can handle it. 

There was a time in my life I didn't think I was going to make it. I fought and fought against the reality of the suffering it brings, and so I was missing out on all the joy it brings too. I have cried and I have suffered, I have felt the pain and I have known defeat, but here I am alive, living, and grateful for EVERYTHING! Grateful! Yes, even for the pain, for the suffering, for the despair, because those things have taught me the most valuable things of all: perseverance, patience, love, compassion, and it taught me who I am! 

One day my neighbor will wake up like any other ordinary day, but she will be stronger, more confident, and a little more mature in her walk. To not know suffering is to not know strength. To not know suffering, is to not know Jesus. To not know suffering, is to not know God. To not know suffering is to not know life! 

It might not make any sense. But who says it has to? Its just a matter of faith! Faith in God, in Jesus and the work done on the cross, and in yourself. Its a lot more risky to have faith in yourself, but somehow, we are not as bad off as we think we are. 

Turn The Other Cheek?

Yes, there is a lot of conflict in my life right now... but does that mean it should take over my whole life? 

But conflict is a part of life. The fact that I over react to it is just a sign of how much I am fighting against powers beyond my control. My constant self-pity and worrying is only a symbol of how unaccepting I am with what life has to offer. In other words, because I think life "ought" to be a certain way, I throw a little fit when it doesn't go that certain way. I throw my hands up and ask questions like "Why?" and say things like, "It's not fair," or "What about..." All I can do at that moment is think about being victimized. I don't see the lessons that are being given to me. I don't see the value of learning humility. When all I can see is the horror of conflict and its ugly ramifications I loose out on what is really being given to me. 

I am not a victim. I am responsible for what I say and do. It doesn't matter what the other person says or does to me or to themselves or the world. Jesus taught his disciples to turn the other cheek and not fight back. But my concern is that isn't it important to let the other person know when they are stepping on my toes? Isn't it my responsibility to set a boundary and let them know that what they do and say "hurts?" I don't have to step on their toes back. I don't have to yell or belittle the person, just tell them that they are beyond my boundaries... right? 

Well, sometimes us humans are very good at coming up with great ways to deal with life. We have written millions upon millions of books on how to deal with life. We know all the answers when it comes to how to do this or that, or what the meaning of this or that is... But when you are out there in the real world, it isn't that easy to practice all those theories. It's funny because I thought I was doing a great job turning the other cheek. But in doing so, I somehow lost a sense of my dignity and respect. Letting people walk all over me and becoming a door mat is not a fulfilling life at all. So this new conflict in my life is not to remind me that I am a useless victim, but is teaching me that I need to start redefining "turn the other cheek." 

I'm not sure today what that means exactly. But in time as I practice some skills I suppose I will learn. Learning to communicate effectively is important, and that is something I need to work on. Perhaps a simple "ouch!" is needed, and maybe I just need to develop a backbone and stick up for myself. Otherwise, if I don't have any respect for myself, how will others respect me? After all, life is supposed to be full of conflict, and the sooner I accept that, the more I will be at peace with myself and the world. 

What to do?

What do you do when you feel like nobody is listening to you? That nobody seems to care about what is going on around them and you? What do you say when injustice is being dished out? What do you do when your enemies have the upper hand? What do you do when you are out numbered? 

Just some thoughts

Have you ever had such a day where you feel like giving it all up? I mean everything. Just give up? It seems to me that it might be possible that we all have felt that way one time or another -- but why? Is it because life is just too hard and demanding sometimes, or does it have to do with the fact that life doesn't always goes as planned? Does our suffering come from the fact that life is just too difficult and painful, or does it come from the fact that we fail to accept that life is too difficult and painful? 

I know we have all asked the question what is our purpose on this earth. What is the meaning of this earthly life we live. After all, none of us chose to be here, yet here we are;  and as we find ourselves at this moment breathing and doing and thinking and wondering, we sometimes get so lost in our daily activities that this whole meaning and purpose thing gets lost. Day after day we awake with a new day doing pretty much the same thing as the day before: Get up, get ready, pray, or read or exercise or rush off to whatever it is we are going to do for the day. And little thought goes into what our real purpose is; if there is one. But what if there isn't? Ever think about that dark thought? Ever think that this whole earthly life is just one big joke? I mean, how ludicrous can our life really be? I mean, is our purpose really about finding the right mate; finding the right career; raising a family; buying that house in the nice neighborhood; having a savings account; having a little fun etc? Some philosophers believe that life is either a tragedy or a comedy, while others say its about finding God or meditation. But all this finding, seeking and pursuing, is just getting me exhausted and a bit confused. The average life span is around 80 years, and I have just turned 30 so I have only 50 years left-maybe. Do I really have that kind of time to go seeking after things that may or may not be my purpose in life? Or am I just afraid to try? I want to enjoy my life, but what does that really mean? Is it all just a matter of attitude or a matter of works? 

Maybe I'm just tired, or maybe I'm just giving up. Giving up all the bullshit we call life. I'm tired of trying to live up to some unwritten standard of what we think life ought to be. I'm tired of doing the same thing over and over again and for what? SO I can have stuff? SO I can do stuff? So I can feel good about my ego and have approval from the world? Yet, I still do it. WHY? How does one break free from conforming to a system that doesn't work? How does one swim against the current and not get swept away? 

Sometimes I think we have self-help books to help us cope with all this bullshit. They tell us to be grateful because then we start to feel good about our lives. I think religious systems tell us there is hope because there is a better place called heaven. But what I don't understand is why go through all the bullshit first before getting to this wonderful place? Why suffer so much now in order to be in this perfect wonderful place? In other words, what is the purpose of this earthly life? What is the purpose of having a job, and raising a family and giving a portion to charity? Why do anything? 

So what if there isn't a purpose here? Now what? 

Something Significant

Its been awhile since I blogged. Been busy with work. I love working full time. I love raising my family; so no time for blogging. I am on spring break so I have a little time on my hands. Not much to write about, or I should say not enough time to write about all the wonderful things that I have been through the last few months. 

I just feel very grateful for the life God has given me. I have seen so much growth in myself, yet at the same time realizing how much more I need to grow. But little by little, I trust God a little more than before. I am so grateful that God doesn't get too frustrated with me and my lack of faith and trust, but is patient with me. Sometimes I think I am the one who gets impatient with myself, and that is why I get myself into trouble. But thank God He knows how to dig me out of deep holes and make good things come out of bad. 

I'm enjoying my new ordinary life. It isn't anything significant, but then again.... 

Message for Tadd

For some reason I can't get into your blog... my e-mail address is rdljohnson_jf@hotmail.com Would love to hear from you brother.