Its Just A Matter Of Faith!

Life is hard. We really don't know what each day is going to bring. One day we are living to pay the bills and the next we may be facing something so terrible and horrible we think there is no way we will even survive the hour. But somehow we miraculously do. Somehow we find some kind of strength to make it through just one more hour. Somehow we learn to accept life as it is: hard, difficult, unfair, and down right humorous. 

I suppose that if we live in a world full of sinners it would make sense that our life is going to be full of disappointments and hardships. It doesn't matter how much money you make or how beautiful you are or whether you are famous and popular among your peers-- life is sometimes so unbelievably difficult that it feels like death is better than the pain and suffering we are called to endure. 

But its just that very thought that makes it even harder to endure... why are we called to carry such burdens? Isn't this the reason why so many people refuse to believe in a good God and seek him? Why seek a God who calls us to suffering and pain? Why build a relationship with someone who lets little children endure the pain of their parents divorce or go through terminal illnesses? How can God be so good when there is so much evil? Wouldn't a good God DO something about all of this evil? Wouldn't a good God come in and intervene? Wouldn't a good God stop all the madness? 

I just witnessed (spied) on my neighbor crying her eyes out because she is going through a divorce. I don't know the details, but I know that she is hurting. She is in need of some comfort, some ease, some peace. I wanted to go out there and give her a hug. I wanted to tell her that everything is going to be okay, even though I really don't know for sure. I mean, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.... right? But what if I had gone out there and hugged her and told her everything was going to be alright? And what if I did better than that? What if I fixed all of her problems for her. What if I could make her husband stay and not divorce her? What if I could even fix all of her financial problems? All of her emotional problems? Heck, why don't I just make everything go her way all of the time so she won't have to worry about anything anymore! Why don't I make her PERFECT! Wouldn't that be great? 

Somehow, I don't think so. I think that if I did all of that, I would be taking something away from her. I don't know if I will do justice to what I am about to say because what I am about to say is only a reflection of my own experiences. I don't have any right answers or solutions, but I can only relate to this through what I have been through. Watching her cry like that reminded me of those days I too cried like that. I grieved over my lost childhood because of my alcoholic father. I had to release my anger and resentment. I had to cry and suffer--endure the pain that all of that brought me. For years I stuffed inside the frustration and anger towards my dad, my mom, my family, society, and yes even God. I denied my anger, and sorrow for many years-mostly towards God. I thought it was evil and sinful to get angry at God, but deep down inside I was. The more I denied it, the more I became less alive-lost within myself. I couldn't see any of my problems as they were: they were always bigger and more intimidating than they really were. I blamed everyone else for my misery. "If only she.... If only he.... then..." That was how I thought. I thought that if I was better, or if people would just understand and be more obedient than life would be.... easier. 

But that was my mistake. Life is not meant to be easy. Every time I start to think that life "ought to be" something, I fall into that place of self-pity and despair. Every time I want to make my life "easier" I end up making it harder. And when I try and make it "easier" for someone else, I interfere with what God is trying to do in that person's life. I'm not saying I should hold back my hand of compassion, I am saying that it is not within my power to "do" something for the other person to feel less pain or make their life comfortable. Sometimes all we can do is offer a hug, or say a silent prayer for them. Sometimes we have to let go and let them feel the discomfort of life. We have to let the tears come. We have to let them get angry and sometimes even at God. God can handle it. 

There was a time in my life I didn't think I was going to make it. I fought and fought against the reality of the suffering it brings, and so I was missing out on all the joy it brings too. I have cried and I have suffered, I have felt the pain and I have known defeat, but here I am alive, living, and grateful for EVERYTHING! Grateful! Yes, even for the pain, for the suffering, for the despair, because those things have taught me the most valuable things of all: perseverance, patience, love, compassion, and it taught me who I am! 

One day my neighbor will wake up like any other ordinary day, but she will be stronger, more confident, and a little more mature in her walk. To not know suffering is to not know strength. To not know suffering, is to not know Jesus. To not know suffering, is to not know God. To not know suffering is to not know life! 

It might not make any sense. But who says it has to? Its just a matter of faith! Faith in God, in Jesus and the work done on the cross, and in yourself. Its a lot more risky to have faith in yourself, but somehow, we are not as bad off as we think we are. 

Turn The Other Cheek?

Yes, there is a lot of conflict in my life right now... but does that mean it should take over my whole life? 

But conflict is a part of life. The fact that I over react to it is just a sign of how much I am fighting against powers beyond my control. My constant self-pity and worrying is only a symbol of how unaccepting I am with what life has to offer. In other words, because I think life "ought" to be a certain way, I throw a little fit when it doesn't go that certain way. I throw my hands up and ask questions like "Why?" and say things like, "It's not fair," or "What about..." All I can do at that moment is think about being victimized. I don't see the lessons that are being given to me. I don't see the value of learning humility. When all I can see is the horror of conflict and its ugly ramifications I loose out on what is really being given to me. 

I am not a victim. I am responsible for what I say and do. It doesn't matter what the other person says or does to me or to themselves or the world. Jesus taught his disciples to turn the other cheek and not fight back. But my concern is that isn't it important to let the other person know when they are stepping on my toes? Isn't it my responsibility to set a boundary and let them know that what they do and say "hurts?" I don't have to step on their toes back. I don't have to yell or belittle the person, just tell them that they are beyond my boundaries... right? 

Well, sometimes us humans are very good at coming up with great ways to deal with life. We have written millions upon millions of books on how to deal with life. We know all the answers when it comes to how to do this or that, or what the meaning of this or that is... But when you are out there in the real world, it isn't that easy to practice all those theories. It's funny because I thought I was doing a great job turning the other cheek. But in doing so, I somehow lost a sense of my dignity and respect. Letting people walk all over me and becoming a door mat is not a fulfilling life at all. So this new conflict in my life is not to remind me that I am a useless victim, but is teaching me that I need to start redefining "turn the other cheek." 

I'm not sure today what that means exactly. But in time as I practice some skills I suppose I will learn. Learning to communicate effectively is important, and that is something I need to work on. Perhaps a simple "ouch!" is needed, and maybe I just need to develop a backbone and stick up for myself. Otherwise, if I don't have any respect for myself, how will others respect me? After all, life is supposed to be full of conflict, and the sooner I accept that, the more I will be at peace with myself and the world. 

What to do?

What do you do when you feel like nobody is listening to you? That nobody seems to care about what is going on around them and you? What do you say when injustice is being dished out? What do you do when your enemies have the upper hand? What do you do when you are out numbered? 

Just some thoughts

Have you ever had such a day where you feel like giving it all up? I mean everything. Just give up? It seems to me that it might be possible that we all have felt that way one time or another -- but why? Is it because life is just too hard and demanding sometimes, or does it have to do with the fact that life doesn't always goes as planned? Does our suffering come from the fact that life is just too difficult and painful, or does it come from the fact that we fail to accept that life is too difficult and painful? 

I know we have all asked the question what is our purpose on this earth. What is the meaning of this earthly life we live. After all, none of us chose to be here, yet here we are;  and as we find ourselves at this moment breathing and doing and thinking and wondering, we sometimes get so lost in our daily activities that this whole meaning and purpose thing gets lost. Day after day we awake with a new day doing pretty much the same thing as the day before: Get up, get ready, pray, or read or exercise or rush off to whatever it is we are going to do for the day. And little thought goes into what our real purpose is; if there is one. But what if there isn't? Ever think about that dark thought? Ever think that this whole earthly life is just one big joke? I mean, how ludicrous can our life really be? I mean, is our purpose really about finding the right mate; finding the right career; raising a family; buying that house in the nice neighborhood; having a savings account; having a little fun etc? Some philosophers believe that life is either a tragedy or a comedy, while others say its about finding God or meditation. But all this finding, seeking and pursuing, is just getting me exhausted and a bit confused. The average life span is around 80 years, and I have just turned 30 so I have only 50 years left-maybe. Do I really have that kind of time to go seeking after things that may or may not be my purpose in life? Or am I just afraid to try? I want to enjoy my life, but what does that really mean? Is it all just a matter of attitude or a matter of works? 

Maybe I'm just tired, or maybe I'm just giving up. Giving up all the bullshit we call life. I'm tired of trying to live up to some unwritten standard of what we think life ought to be. I'm tired of doing the same thing over and over again and for what? SO I can have stuff? SO I can do stuff? So I can feel good about my ego and have approval from the world? Yet, I still do it. WHY? How does one break free from conforming to a system that doesn't work? How does one swim against the current and not get swept away? 

Sometimes I think we have self-help books to help us cope with all this bullshit. They tell us to be grateful because then we start to feel good about our lives. I think religious systems tell us there is hope because there is a better place called heaven. But what I don't understand is why go through all the bullshit first before getting to this wonderful place? Why suffer so much now in order to be in this perfect wonderful place? In other words, what is the purpose of this earthly life? What is the purpose of having a job, and raising a family and giving a portion to charity? Why do anything? 

So what if there isn't a purpose here? Now what? 

Something Significant

Its been awhile since I blogged. Been busy with work. I love working full time. I love raising my family; so no time for blogging. I am on spring break so I have a little time on my hands. Not much to write about, or I should say not enough time to write about all the wonderful things that I have been through the last few months. 

I just feel very grateful for the life God has given me. I have seen so much growth in myself, yet at the same time realizing how much more I need to grow. But little by little, I trust God a little more than before. I am so grateful that God doesn't get too frustrated with me and my lack of faith and trust, but is patient with me. Sometimes I think I am the one who gets impatient with myself, and that is why I get myself into trouble. But thank God He knows how to dig me out of deep holes and make good things come out of bad. 

I'm enjoying my new ordinary life. It isn't anything significant, but then again.... 

Message for Tadd

For some reason I can't get into your blog... my e-mail address is rdljohnson_jf@hotmail.com Would love to hear from you brother.

Sometimes Life is Wonderful!

Sometimes life is funny; sometimes life is hard; sometimes life is unusual; sometimes life is confusing; sometimes life is life! Every time I think I have it figured out, life throws me something to remind me that I don't have a clue. So maybe life isn't about trying to figure it out, but is in fact about living it. There really is no right or wrong way to do that, its just being able to enjoy whatever it is that life throws at you. Sure there are times life throws you something unbearable and horrible, but somehow we seem to make it through okay, and sometimes we make it through a better person. But sitting around wondering what my purpose is, or what the point of it all is, is really just a big waste of time. The truth is, is that I have the power to live the life I desire. The only thing stopping me is me. I used to think that if I had more money or more time then I would be able to live life more freely and abundantly, but that isn't true. If I did have more money and more time, I would still be dreaming and wishing life was different some how. I used to think that if I had grew up differently or had chosen to do things differently than what I had chosen in the past then I would of had the life I wanted, but the truth is, is that I would still think my life could have been better if that was true. Take for example how I recently discovered a truth that was supposed to change my life but didn't. I always thought that if my relationship with my parents were different than I would be happy and free to live a very joyful life. I always believed that if my parents changed, then I could be happy. So this weekend while visiting with them, I noticed the change in their life. They are living a life that may not be exactly what I had pictured, but a life that seems to be different and better than the one they were living before. I genuinely knew that they were trying and wanting something more out of their life and that they in fact are doing what they need to do to make things right again. As I was witnessing this little miracle, I noticed that I wasn't feeling what I thought I would be feeling. There were no tears of joy, no words coming out of my mouth that I thought would come out, no HUGE change in me what so ever! I was confused. Why wasn't I happy for this longed for change? Why wasn't I filled with ecstatic joy? And most importantly why was my life still the same? Why hadn't it changed? Then I became angry. I didn't like this new change I saw in them, and I tried desperately to find something to complain about, something to make me see that what I was witnessing was nothing more but a temporary mid-life crisis.

As I was running this morning I knew that deep down inside I was very happy for their new life. I was glad that they are living the life they are desiring. Then a word came to me... F E A R. I didn't pay much attention to it, but it just kept coming to my mind. So I gave in, what did this word have to do with my parents... and then it hit me. Nothing. This word has nothing to do with my parents, and everything to do with me. And then it dawned on me that reason my life didn't change because theirs did was because they have nothing to do with my happiness in life. And then I realized that NOTHING has the power to make me happy but me. The reason I became angry with their changed life was because now I had no excuse left. I used my childhood and their present behavior as an excuse to keep me from living the life I wanted because deep down I was really afraid. But I never wanted to deal with my fears because I was too busy with the excuses. And with this excuse gone, what do I have left? F E A R! For some reason beyond my understanding, I have been afraid to go after what I really desire out of life. Too afraid to dream big; afraid of intimacy; afraid of success; afraid of love; afraid of failure; afraid of rejection; afraid of getting hurt, and the list goes on and on...

Where did this fear come from? How do I get rid of it? Sometimes life is like that. I know I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I also know that trying to figure it out may be just another distraction to keep me hidden and alone. The fact that I am aware of my fears may be all I need for right now to gain the courage to live a little at time. But as the good book says, "perfect love casts out fear," I must remember that when I get lost in my fears, I just have to remind myself of the perfect love that redeems me and gives me power to overcome anything.

Just as I learned how to ice skate on Sunday, I must learn how to live without holding others responsible for my happiness. I get on the ice and I don't even know how to stand on it with out falling and stumbling, but soon I learn to just stand, and then with a little courage I push my self along the ice, and I fall. How embarrassing! I want to stop because it hurts and the ice skates are uncomfortable, but I don't want to sit on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoying the time. I can't seem to get up, so a friend comes along and takes hold of my hand and helps me up. I stand with all my balance and again with a little courage I push my self along the ice, I stumble, but I do not fall. I hold on to the wall as a guide to help me. Little by little I am gliding on the ice. "Let go of the wall" suggests a friend, but I am too afraid! What if I fall and hurt myself? What if everyone laughs at me? What if.... So with a little more courage I let go of the wall, risking the chance to fall, but I know that I can't hold on to the wall forever. Just a few yards away from the wall and I am gliding along very slowly and very carefully. Slowly I challenge myself to go a little faster, and then I fall, hard. I look over at my friend and he is laughing. My worst fear has come true. But then, something unusual is happening to me, as I begin to laugh too. I find it funny too. I get up by myself and continue to push myself further. I can't tell you how many times I fell, but by the end of the day, I was skating! S K A T I N G ! ! ME! It was one of the most exhilarating things I had ever experienced! I put my arms out, and it felt like I was flying! I circled the arena several times and nobody or anything could ever take away the laughter and the joy I had felt... why? Because joy is something I find in myself when I risk the chance to go out and do something I know is going to hurt me. It is not found on external circumstances or external relationships, but is found in the DOING, in MYSELF! Living life is what life was made for. We will fall, we will stumble, but it is in those times when we know we are on the right path, because living life on the sidelines, living a comfortable, safe life is not living at all. Love is exactly the same thing. You learn to love by loving, not by studying it. And so life is for living. And happiness is our own responsibility.

Sometimes life is funny; sometimes life is hard; sometimes life is unusual; sometimes life is confusing; and sometimes life is wonderful!