May That Day Never Come

Its been a really long time since I last blogged. So much has happened. I don't want to bore anyone with anything and I probably don't have any readers right now as they probably lost all hope in my blogging. But since my last blog I have come to realize that God truly is faithful and knows better about what is best for my life than I do. Right now I am really learning what it means to "let go and let God." I have been trying so hard to follow God obediently I thought that I was doing fine with allowing Him to be in charge of my life- boy was I wrong. There are still areas in my life I still refuse to let go of and continue to do my own way. And no matter how much my life becomes unmanageable I still continue to execute my own will. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results each time. Yeah, that pretty much sums up my life. Its hard to let go and let God. Mainly because I struggle with trust. I don't trust God like I should, if I did I wouldn't try so hard and force things to happen my way. But I keep forcing solutions to my problems, forcing relationships to work, forcing the outcome- trying to paint the future MY WAY to MY LIKES!  So its no wonder I am frustrated, angry, bitter, lonely and INSANE! 

I have been listening to the Pastor at my church talk about Joshua and his army and how they had to walk across a river (I forgot which one but it doesn't matter-really it doesn't matter) and this river was very deep and very fast, and God asks them to cross this river but as they get close to the river they keep expecting God to separate it like He did the Red Sea, but nothing happened. Finally, they step in and then God separates it. The lesson is that God sometimes expects us to take that first step of faith. For some reason, I feel like that is what God is asking me to do right now. Instead of taking that first step, letting go of what I need to let go of, God is going to let me struggle and suffer. He doesn't want me to of course, but He is doing that because He wants my faith to grow, not just be some kind of stagnant belief, but a faith that provokes me to show Him that I do in fact believe in His promises and so that I do learn to trust Him since I struggle with that so much. 

God never asks us to something we are not capable of doing, but He doesn't allow us to be apathetic either. God cares about our growth and our faith. The truth is, is that everyone exhibits a form of faith, it just where that faith is on. My faith was not on God, it was on the outcomes, the results, the solutions. I wasn't living a life of faith based on His will for me, I was living a life of faith based on MY will for me. Every time I ask God to do this or that for me, I am essentially asking Him to execute my will. Sure I can ask whatever I want, but when putting faith on what I want and that He will do as I wish, is not putting faith on God- its putting faith on the sand. Its no wonder I end up so disappointed with Him, so full of self-pity and so full of emptiness. 

I had to learn this the hard way. It was very painful and frustrating to have to go through that, but it was for my own good. The day I stop struggling is the day I stop growing. And may that day never come!