Sometimes Life is Wonderful!

Sometimes life is funny; sometimes life is hard; sometimes life is unusual; sometimes life is confusing; sometimes life is life! Every time I think I have it figured out, life throws me something to remind me that I don't have a clue. So maybe life isn't about trying to figure it out, but is in fact about living it. There really is no right or wrong way to do that, its just being able to enjoy whatever it is that life throws at you. Sure there are times life throws you something unbearable and horrible, but somehow we seem to make it through okay, and sometimes we make it through a better person. But sitting around wondering what my purpose is, or what the point of it all is, is really just a big waste of time. The truth is, is that I have the power to live the life I desire. The only thing stopping me is me. I used to think that if I had more money or more time then I would be able to live life more freely and abundantly, but that isn't true. If I did have more money and more time, I would still be dreaming and wishing life was different some how. I used to think that if I had grew up differently or had chosen to do things differently than what I had chosen in the past then I would of had the life I wanted, but the truth is, is that I would still think my life could have been better if that was true. Take for example how I recently discovered a truth that was supposed to change my life but didn't. I always thought that if my relationship with my parents were different than I would be happy and free to live a very joyful life. I always believed that if my parents changed, then I could be happy. So this weekend while visiting with them, I noticed the change in their life. They are living a life that may not be exactly what I had pictured, but a life that seems to be different and better than the one they were living before. I genuinely knew that they were trying and wanting something more out of their life and that they in fact are doing what they need to do to make things right again. As I was witnessing this little miracle, I noticed that I wasn't feeling what I thought I would be feeling. There were no tears of joy, no words coming out of my mouth that I thought would come out, no HUGE change in me what so ever! I was confused. Why wasn't I happy for this longed for change? Why wasn't I filled with ecstatic joy? And most importantly why was my life still the same? Why hadn't it changed? Then I became angry. I didn't like this new change I saw in them, and I tried desperately to find something to complain about, something to make me see that what I was witnessing was nothing more but a temporary mid-life crisis.

As I was running this morning I knew that deep down inside I was very happy for their new life. I was glad that they are living the life they are desiring. Then a word came to me... F E A R. I didn't pay much attention to it, but it just kept coming to my mind. So I gave in, what did this word have to do with my parents... and then it hit me. Nothing. This word has nothing to do with my parents, and everything to do with me. And then it dawned on me that reason my life didn't change because theirs did was because they have nothing to do with my happiness in life. And then I realized that NOTHING has the power to make me happy but me. The reason I became angry with their changed life was because now I had no excuse left. I used my childhood and their present behavior as an excuse to keep me from living the life I wanted because deep down I was really afraid. But I never wanted to deal with my fears because I was too busy with the excuses. And with this excuse gone, what do I have left? F E A R! For some reason beyond my understanding, I have been afraid to go after what I really desire out of life. Too afraid to dream big; afraid of intimacy; afraid of success; afraid of love; afraid of failure; afraid of rejection; afraid of getting hurt, and the list goes on and on...

Where did this fear come from? How do I get rid of it? Sometimes life is like that. I know I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I also know that trying to figure it out may be just another distraction to keep me hidden and alone. The fact that I am aware of my fears may be all I need for right now to gain the courage to live a little at time. But as the good book says, "perfect love casts out fear," I must remember that when I get lost in my fears, I just have to remind myself of the perfect love that redeems me and gives me power to overcome anything.

Just as I learned how to ice skate on Sunday, I must learn how to live without holding others responsible for my happiness. I get on the ice and I don't even know how to stand on it with out falling and stumbling, but soon I learn to just stand, and then with a little courage I push my self along the ice, and I fall. How embarrassing! I want to stop because it hurts and the ice skates are uncomfortable, but I don't want to sit on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoying the time. I can't seem to get up, so a friend comes along and takes hold of my hand and helps me up. I stand with all my balance and again with a little courage I push my self along the ice, I stumble, but I do not fall. I hold on to the wall as a guide to help me. Little by little I am gliding on the ice. "Let go of the wall" suggests a friend, but I am too afraid! What if I fall and hurt myself? What if everyone laughs at me? What if.... So with a little more courage I let go of the wall, risking the chance to fall, but I know that I can't hold on to the wall forever. Just a few yards away from the wall and I am gliding along very slowly and very carefully. Slowly I challenge myself to go a little faster, and then I fall, hard. I look over at my friend and he is laughing. My worst fear has come true. But then, something unusual is happening to me, as I begin to laugh too. I find it funny too. I get up by myself and continue to push myself further. I can't tell you how many times I fell, but by the end of the day, I was skating! S K A T I N G ! ! ME! It was one of the most exhilarating things I had ever experienced! I put my arms out, and it felt like I was flying! I circled the arena several times and nobody or anything could ever take away the laughter and the joy I had felt... why? Because joy is something I find in myself when I risk the chance to go out and do something I know is going to hurt me. It is not found on external circumstances or external relationships, but is found in the DOING, in MYSELF! Living life is what life was made for. We will fall, we will stumble, but it is in those times when we know we are on the right path, because living life on the sidelines, living a comfortable, safe life is not living at all. Love is exactly the same thing. You learn to love by loving, not by studying it. And so life is for living. And happiness is our own responsibility.

Sometimes life is funny; sometimes life is hard; sometimes life is unusual; sometimes life is confusing; and sometimes life is wonderful! 

The greatest gifts...

Its that time of year again: Shopping, parties, baking, wrapping, unwrapping; and so I have been thinking a lot about gifts lately. It just seems to me that no matter how much I say this season is not about presents, it still seems to be the main focus. So I began to think about the greatest gift of all; Jesus Christ. I have yet to fully grasp the meaning of it all and what I am supposed to do with such a precious gift. Its true that this gift offers me eternal life. (John 3:16) But I happen to believe that this gift offers way more than that, as if that were even possible. But as I reflect back on my journey it is clear to me that this gift has given me much more than eternal life; It has given me, me! Everyday I learn more about myself as walk this journey of faith. Not all of it is pretty but over all I like what I am finding. Sure I made some pretty big mistakes, and sure I have done some pretty bad things, but the gift of the cross reminds me that I am forgiven, and not only forgiven but I have another chance to make it right. The gift of the cross allows me to make mistakes, not to be conformed into a perfect, rigid human being, but to be a human being who is me! In other words, the greatest gift God has given us through Jesus is the permission to be ourselves. We don't have to pretend to be nothing more or nothing less. We don't have to pretend that we have all the answers, or that we are sinless or perfect. We don't have to pretend that we don't think bad thoughts, or that we struggle like everybody else. I don't have to watch everything I do, I just need to be me.

If anything, I am learning that trying to be someone else, (conformity) is an empty, burdensome way to live. Sure being myself is risky. It means I will risk making mistakes, I risk being rejected and it means the risk of independence. And isn't that what God wants for us-- Free Will! There is a lot of fear to live life independently from all that is around us. And it is even riskier when you attend a church, where conformity is the norm. But to take a leap of faith and say, "I am done pretending." and start living your own life that glorifies God in your own way is exactly why Jesus died. Jesus didn't die just so we can live forever in heaven, but so that we may live right here right now. And not just live a life of mediocrity, or conformity, but a life full all the things He showed us- kindness, joy, love, peace, discipline, goodness, a life full of giving, full of risk and adventure. Jesus didn't die so that we might have religion. Jesus didn't die so that we may be successful in our careers. Jesus didn't die so that we may have knowledge of the scriptures. Jesus didn't die so that we go around pretending we are someone we are not, (which is my definition of a hypocrite whether you are religious or not). Jesus died FOR me and FOR you to have live and have it ABUNDANTLY! You can't live life if you are hiding, running, pretending, conforming, lying, settling for less. You are living life when you deny those things and take that leap of faith and start walking on the water. Sure you may loose focus and start drowning, but He is always there to lend a hand when you need it.

The greatest gift IS Jesus himself. He offers so much more to us, if we but risk and be ourselves. But I find nothing more liberating than learning to be me and glorifying God in all I do, even if I make mistakes, even if I am rejected, even if at times I feel all alone. But the more I see myself as an individual hand crafted by God, unique in every aspect, I know that God wants nothing more from me than just me. And so the greatest gift I can give God--ME!

Just Maybe...

I don't know why, but I am finding myself depressed, and angry. Maybe its because everywhere I turn there is so much sickness, sorrow, loss, suffering and hate. This time of year is supposed to be full of peace, joy and giving and yet I can't seem to really see it, even when its staring right at me. I just keep thinking about when will it all end? I know that suffering brings us closer to God; I know that loss makes us appreciate what we had more; I know that sorrow is neccessarry and a part of life; but hate? I don't know where that lies in the grand scheme of things. Where is the hope that is promised? Where is my faith? Its true that I haven't been doing a great job with seeking it, but it never seems enough. I never seem enough. I mean even if I was the "perfect" child then I wouldn't be in need of a savior. So maybe all this stuff I have been feeling and seeing is just a reminder of how much I need Jesus in my life. I mean, if I for one second, believed that I could attain salvation through how well I did things in my life, then what would have been the point of the cross. I guess I am saying this because I want to justify my not being a good Christian. I may attend services faithfully but I don't volunteer a lot of my time with service work. I would like to read and study my bible more often, but I just don't always have that kind of time. I would love to be more giving to the poor, more kind to my family, more knowledgeable in the scriptures, and I would love to be able to conquer all my sins! But if I could do all that, then maybe the cross wouldn't be as effective for me. Just maybe, the cross does more for me than I think it does. Just maybe, the cross will accept me just as I am right now. Just maybe, all wrongs will be made right all because of the cross and not because of what "I" have accomplished. Just maybe, the hope is in Jesus and not how well I am as a Christian! Just maybe....

Just wondering....

What is a hypocrite? 

All I need

The truth is, is that I still get hurt when I feel left out. I especially harbor hurt feelings when I don't get invited to do things with family and friends. My knee jerk reaction when I find out I haven't been included or forgotten is; "What's wrong with me?" but I am beginning to see the immaturity in this thinking. For one, there are things going on that are beyond my understanding, and two, it really doesn't matter. I know who I was, but that isn't really who I am. I know that I have a hard time making friends, but thank God He knows how to be a friend to someone like me. I may not always get invited to do all the things I would like to do, but I did get invited to the most important thing of all- to be God's child; to be a part of the kingdom of God; to be the bride of Christ! God has not forgotten me, but has in fact specifically chosen me! And thats all I need. 

Be still...

The Bible verse says, "Be still and know that I am God..." This used to have a certain meaning to me when I first came across it. It meant that when I took time out of my busy schedule and looked around me I would notice things I would never notice before- the birds singing, the clocks ticking, the cool breeze against my cheek, the way the clouds moved across the sky, or hear absolutely nothing, and in that silence I could hear God's voice say, "I am God, the Creator!"

But as I continue this journey I am on, this verse has a new meaning for me. Not only do I notice things I would have not noticed because I was too busy; but something else took place while I stood still- the world kept going on without me! All that stuff I mentioned before was just a way of telling me that I am not God. In that stillness I have come to realize that I  really don't have any control outside myself. By staying still, I see that the world continues as it is whether I am participating or not. By staying still, GOD shows me that He is the one who is in control of all things. So all my worrying, my complaining, my trying to force solutions to my problems are nothing more than me getting in the way of seeing His hand at work in my life and in the life of others. By trying to force change in others  all I was really doing was getting in God's way.  By being still I realized that I have spent most of my life trying to play God. Being still doesn't just mean taking time off of your busy schedule, though that is necessary, and "noticing" the things around you, it's being able to be still in yourself at all times so that you are constantly aware that you are not God. When you can really accept that, then you can start to let go and let God. 

God help me be more still in my life! 

Black Friday

Here is an article you may find interesting....

The throng of Wal-Mart shoppers had been building all night, filling sidewalks and stretching across a vast parking lot at the Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, N.Y. At 3:30 a.m., the Nassau County police had to be called in for crowd control, and an officer with a bullhorn pleaded for order.

Tension grew as the 5 a.m. opening neared. Someone taped up a crude poster: “Blitz Line Starts Here.”

By 4:55, with no police officers in sight, the crowd of more than 2,000 had become a rabble, and could be held back no longer. Fists banged and shoulders pressed on the sliding-glass double doors, which bowed in with the weight of the assault. Six to 10 workers inside tried to push back, but it was hopeless...

Read the full article here.

And this Black Friday story has definitely caught, horrifically caught, my attention.

How does such a thing happen? Are people simply evil? No doubt preachers across the country will be talking about this incident from their Sunday morning pulpits. The true meaning of Christmas? Well, for some it seems to be trampling people to death to get a bargain price.

Beyond my horror, this story has had my brain ticking all day. What individual and group dynamics created this incident? Here's how I've been breaking it down.

1.) You have a highly motivated, focused person to show up at 3:30 am. This person is investing a lot to get out to the store.

2.) When this person arrives at Walmart he/she is thinking he/she is going to be the early bird that gets the worm. There are expectations (hopes) in play.

3.) However, upon arrival the shopper finds a huge crowd. Expectations are dashed. Frustration grows.

4.) The crowd grows to 2,000. Frustration turns to anxiety. The person in line does a simple calculus: There are only so many products and deals inside. Much fewer than 2,000. It appears that the shopper has gotten up early, driven to the store, and stood in line for nothing. That is, unless, the shopper can get inside first.

Psychologically, we now have a perfect storm. Each person has a sunk cost. And rather than walk away people begin to raise the stakes by jockeying for position. Inch by inch the crowd pushes forwad. It's an irrational escalation of commitment, it's a dollar auction. We have 2,000 people playing a game as adversaries. One person starts jockeying for position. This rattles the people around them. These people fear they will be too slow. So they start pushing forward to gain an inch on a competitor. This jittery behavior soon takes over the entire crowd. Particularly as the clock gets closer to 5:00. The mass of people starts pushing forward, preparing to run. And the more jittery and hostile the crowd the more people become emotional and focused on self-preservation: "When this crowd breaks I'm moving forward. Fast." To get the deal? Probably. But I'm thinking a kind of mass hysteria began to take over as well.

I'm sure social psychologists will analyze this incident in the days and months to come. As I said, preachers will be drawing a great many lessons from this incident, decrying this worst outcome of the commercialization of Christmas. And I don't disagree. But I also keep wondering about what was going on in the crowd. What where the small steps that led to the jittery, panicky escalation? The people in that crowd are just like you and me. So what happened to them in that crowd?

Its Me!

I may never come to a point in my life where I no longer need God to redeem me from some sick sin. Maybe thats the way He wants it. His job after all is to redeem me, not once, or twice, but always. I may be an emotional basket case, but I am an emotional basket case who loves God and believes in His promises of redemption, hope and transformation. And transformation is a life long process. If I am honest with myself, it is easy for me to look at everyone else and how sick they are just to make myself feel a little bit better about my sickness. "At least I'm not as bad as that girl...yikes!" And although the bible is clear about self examination and warns us against judging others and gossiping we have taken that bible and used it as a hiding device; or a defense mechanism. "Yeah, I know I need to change, but look at those people over there... I'm not as bad as them." How many times do you read scripture and think of someone else other than yourself when it comes to changing ones ways? Though the bible warns against us judging others, we use the bible to do it. Though the bible warns against gossip we do it because its for our brothers own good. 

I may be no scholar of the bible, and I may not understand or have the greatest insight about certain verses, but I do know that God is true, alive, loving and patient. I know that it does me no good to sit in a church and get filled up with good music, fun sermons with good messages, and participate in small group things when I take no inventory of myself. When I am too busy talking about someone else's walk, or another groups, or when I am too busy trying to figure out why people are the way they are, I have no time to allow God to transform me or redeem me. 

I'll tell you in one word what's wrong with the church, and what's wrong with the world. ME! 

The "DO" in truth!

Truth's not for admiring, reading, defending, writing or reciting; it's not for memorizing, analyzing, teaching or preaching; it's not for debating, writing, singing or spreading— it's for doing!

Truth's for doing! Truth's for doing at a personal ethical level; it's for doing in the presence of the poor and needy; it's for doing in the company of the emotional basket-cases whose hearts are fragmented. It's for doing at a congregational level when power struggles are so obvious; it's for doing before a world that's in awful need of seeing and hearing the gospel of salvation and reconciliation.

Call me blessed, or crazy, but I believe the above statement with all my heart. Now that Thanksgiving is over (which in reality it shouldn't be) I am getting ready for the weeks demands. I got my house cleaned, I bought food for the week for the entire family, and now I rest until day break for that is when I return to work. But I know someone who isn't getting ready for the weeks demands because she is lying in a hospital bed with half her brain dead. She got a brain aneurysm a few days before Thanksgiving, and now she lies and waits to see what the rest of her life is going to be like. So the saying says, "life goes on." No matter what happens to my friend, my life will go on, and hers too, for whether she dies or not, she will live eternally with our Savior Jesus Christ. But through this experience, I got to witness something wonderful. Though it wasn't a miracle, (though we  are still praying for one and would gladly accept one on her behalf) I got to witness truth in doing. 

The lady lying in the hospital is part of my small group from church. I got to interact with her only a handful of times, and in those handful of times, learned a great deal from her. She is a follower of Christ. But when I found out the news of what happened to her, it wasn't just something I read via e-mail and then expected to pray on my own time-although that is how it started.  Our group meets on Monday nights, and that Monday night after her incident was our Thanksgiving potluck. Our group leaders assured us that we should still have the potluck because it would be the best thing to do right now, as our friend would want that from us. But as her prognosis was unsure the next couple of days, it was suggested that we go to the hospital on Thanksgiving to support her family in prayer. At first, I wasn't sure what to expect, but gladly went. 

The waiting room was already full when we arrived, and when our friends sister saw us, she immediately began to cry. Everyone began to hug one another. And as we waited for the others to arrive we did our best to comfort her family who obviously was distressed about the situation. We found out that her condition was worse than we thought; the Dr. said she should have died when the aneurysm hit. So with tear filled eyes, and with so much telling us to be uncertain, to give up hope, we all gathered in a circle, held hands and prayed for a miracle; we prayed for one because we refused to believe in the uncertainty and to believe in the certainty of Him who gives us the hope. We didn't bow our heads in defeat, we bowed our heads in victory because we know that God will do His will for her and for all who love Him. We said our Amens, and then hung around for awhile. We offered the family our services- finances, baby-sitting, food, and whatever else they needed. 

Maybe you think I am boasting about this little thing we did on Thanksgiving, and you may be right. Maybe its because it isn't everyday where I see the face of Jesus comfort those in need.(Matt 25) It isn't everyday I witness what I witnessed on that day-I saw a group of believers DO the truth. I saw compassion, concern, and certainty. I saw faith, love and hope- and to me my friend, that is something to boast about when all you are used to is talk, talk, talk about truth and what Christians should do about our suffering world.  Sure our time together on that Thanksgiving day didn't make a difference to a person starving in Africa, and maybe it didn't make a difference to the other person just a few floors above us, but it made a difference to my friends family lives, and I know they saw Jesus in my small group. And it made a difference in me. You know you are in a good place when you start seeing the DO in truth. 

Something to think about

Here are some statistics I found interesting concerning Christian and Non-Christian life styles:

Lifestyle Gaps
In the recent book unChristian, the Barna Group has done some interesting research on how people perceive Christians. Much of the research focuses on the opinions of younger persons and people who are not Christian. The general conclusion of the Barna research is that young "outsiders" (non-Christians) and young Christians have a very negative view of the Christian brand. More specifically, they tend to see Christians as "unChristian" in their attitudes and behaviors.

One of the adjectives applied to Christians is that they are hypocritical. The data on this adjective is presented in Chapter 3 of unChristian. Here are some highlights from that research:

--84% of young "outsiders" (non-Christians) report personally knowing a Christian. However, only 15% of these individuals report seeing a qualitative lifestyle difference between the Christian they know and themselves.

--Engaging in the following lifestyle activities are statistically equivalent when comparing Christians with non-Christians:

gambling
visiting a pornographic website
stealing
consulting a medium or psychic
physically fighting
consuming alcohol to the point of intoxication
using an illegal, nonprescription drug
lying
getting back at someone (revenge)
saying mean things behind a person's back

--There are some differences between Christians and non-Christians. Christians are more likely to own a bible and go to church. Christians are less likely to use profanity, although not by much (26% Christian, 38% non-Christian). Christians are more likely to help a homeless person, but not by much (53% Christian, 45% non-Christian). Interestingly, Christians also differ from non-Christians in that Christian are less likely to recycle (68% to 79%).

Looking over all this data the authors of unChristian coin the term "lifestyle gap" as the root issue in perceptions of Christian hypocrisy. Specifically, there is a gap between the lifestyle Christians say they live versus the lives they actually live. Phrased negatively, non-Christians fail to see a lifestyle gap between themselves and their Christian friends. Being a Christian doesn't seem to have any impact upon how a person lives.

Hmmmm... my knee jerk reaction to reading this made me think how much we are a bunch of hypocrites and I suddenly became upset with how much Christians are dropping the ball; but then after thinking about it- it would make sense that the statistics would say what they say because we as Christians are the same as non-christians because we all came from the same place. Whether we grew up knowing Christian beliefs or not we are all human after all. Just because a person is a Christian does not mean they are suddenly the most moral and perfect human on the planet. God does not work moral miracles on people, (although sometimes I wish he would).  If anything Christians fall short of the glory of God and are sinners just the same as those who are not Christians. I think what upsets me is that the reason people are digging for statistics like this is because of our conduct: we say all the right things, know all the right answers, push our so called moral standards on everyone else, and act as if we are holier than thou-- so we have to be reminded that we are not perfect after all, even if it is through a mean like this little article. If anything this little article humbled me and made me realize that I have a long journey ahead of me. It also made me realize that I need more compassion in my life for others, especially for my fellow Christians.... if you know what I mean by that.

Just something to think about.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Tomorrow marks six years of marriage for my husband and I. It also marks six years we have been Christians. It is a very special day tomorrow. Lots of victorious days, and lots of not so victorious days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. The beauty of hindsight is that you can really begin to appreciate the bad times more because you realize that through the hard times is where the love and unity grows the most. We've been through a lot together, and we are still going stronger than ever. There were days when we thought it was a mistake to have kids and get married, but then we come to our senses and realize that it is our kids and our marriage that make our life as rich as it is. Today's society makes it easy to just end a marriage and go on with one's life. I have to admit that sometimes it seems that my life would be easier and better if I would end our marriage so that I can get child support and baby-sitting when I need it so I can do my own thing, but again I come to my senses and realize that that kind of thinking is just selfish beyond words. 

My husband knows more about me than anybody else on the planet. To think that someone can know me like that and still love me is incomprehensible to me. He is there to wipe my tears even when the tears are uncalled for. He is there to listen to my complaints and sorrows even when they are not justified. He is there to offer a helping hand when I need it even when the help is undeserved. He is always giving me a reason to go on. When I feel like throwing in the towel, he motivates me by his love, to keep going. When I get up in the morning, I know that my day is going to be full of surprises because he is a part of it. Not a day goes by where we don't communicate to each other. We will call on our lunch breaks, text whenever we get a chance, and have long conversations at dinner and at bedtime, even though we should be sleeping. I have seen this man change from a scared boy to a confident God fearing man. My heart is full and complete because God has answered my deep desire--To have a life full of love and joy-- and its all thanks to God and His one and only son. 

When I watch my husband play with our children, my heart sings. When I watch him garden and do yard work, my heart sings. When he kisses me and holds me, my heart sings. When he reaches out and holds my hand, my heart sings. When he is going through a hard time and he seems irritable and depressed, my heart breaks, but in time, we always make it through. 

This year I dedicate a song called "You're Still The One" by Shania Twain to him. I dedicate this song because it says what I want to say. You're still the one I love, the one I run to, the one kiss good night, the one I still want; We beat the odds together, and I'm glad we didn't listen because look at what we would be missing! 

Just For Today

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself. 

Tough Burden to Carry

Its not always easy being a Christian. Maybe because its not always easy being right while everybody else is wrong....

I came from a group of believers where what we believed and being right was more important than our spiritual growth and how we treated others. In fact if you did not believe exactly as they did, then you were the outcast, disfellowshiped and shunned. I use to think that if I didn't have all the answers or if I didn't believe the "right" things about God then I would be less of a Christian and God looked down at me with disappointment and disbelief. So the more I tried to get all the answers and study the "right" beliefs the more empty I became inside--I was isolated from others because I couldn't associate with those who had different beliefs, sure I could hang out with them, but eventually if they didn't convert to my set of standards then eventually I would have to say good-bye to the relationship. My self-esteem was diminshing because no matter how hard I studied, or how much I served, it was just never enough. I became depressed and I turned into a person I did not want to be-self-righteous, arrogant and angry. It was hard to live being right all the time and yet knowing I still wasn't living up. The guilt, the shame, the jealousy, was eating me alive. I wanted to desperately reach out and let others know what was going on in my heart, but they couldn't hear it. "just keep studying, just keep praying, just keep doing what you are doing..." but the more I did, the more I empty I was becoming. I couldn't express my deep feelings because everytime we got together it was all about the text. There was no concern for what was really happening in our hearts, all that mattered was fine tuning our theology-making sure we had all our t's crossed and all our i's dotted.

It makes me cringe when I think about whats important in a Christians life. We would rather be right about a text that doesn't really apply to one's life than to reach out and lend an ear and offer some compassion.

I have to say that I was thrilled to find out that God does NOT want me to have all the answers. It thrilled me to know that God's grace not only covers my behavior, but my doctrine too. What an amazing God we serve....

What was it that Jesus said, "My burden is light, My yoke is easy...." or something like that....

A wonderful gift

Right now I am watching the sun set behind all the houses in my neighborhood. The clouds are glowing. The trees are swaying in the breeze. My children are watching some T.V. and my husband is working in the backyard. The world is going on around us doing its own thing. Yet my heart is content. I have everything I need. I have the love of God through and in Jesus and so that makes everything around me wonderful and mysterious and great. I should be worried about my family and our economic situation, but I am not. He will provide, He will take care of us. I should be working hard and staying busy to assure that I have accomplished something, but being still and knowing that He is God is priceless. I could go on about how horrible life is and wonder what the point of all of "it" is--but I won't, because I know that in this life, happiness and comfort is not the primary goal. There is no goal. It is being able to let life happen and know that you are not going to die because of a few hardships. It is letting God love you--allowing Him to take care of you. It is being able to sit and watch the world around you go crazy and angry while you are able to enjoy the beauty of the sun setting being confident that He will fulfill His word. Contentment in whatever circumstance is key to being able to have peace in your heart. Letting go of hurts and wrongs, and forgiving them, allows you to be free to have a life that brings joy and riches. What a wonderful gift He has given us! 

God show me how

When you love someone it is our responsibility to let them know when they are doing bad... right?  But what if you really are not sure, and they don't tell you- they refuse to open up to you but you can see that they are doing bad. How do you gently tell them that you are disappointed with their choices, and that they are clearly not in the right path? Where do you cross the fine line between grace and truth? But how am I to be clear that my path is right and theirs is wrong?  I know that Jesus says I have to take the speck out of my eye first before I pay any attention to my sister's speck, SO THAT I am able to help her take it out. But how do I know? How do I say? A letter, a phone call, face to face confrontation.... 

This discipline of accountability is not easy. God be with me....

Give me your eyes....

Here is another song I am becoming to love. It is called "Give me your eyes..." I love it because it really makes me think about how I have ignored so many in my life, and how I really don't see people, places and things as God sees them. He truly is above me, and so is the way He sees. The more I ponder on these lyrics the more it becomes my prayer... So ponder on these lyrics and see what the Holy Spirit puts in your heart. 

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
Hes out of work
Hes buying time
all those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?


Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten

Ive Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

Whatever you're doing....

It's time for healing

Its time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time to make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender


Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone

Time to begin again

Reevaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow Your will

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...



Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time *to* breathe in and let everything out

Can I Have A Hug Please?

I am a substitute teacher and even though I haven't been doing it long, I sometimes just can't believe what I hear and what I see. Today for example I got to substitute in a first grade class. The morning was going pretty smooth, and since it was going pretty smooth I had some extra time to spare. So I got the class sitting around me on the floor asking them questions about themselves so that I could get to know them better. As usual the kids were excited and started to blurb out all at once. So I had them raise their hands in order to have them talk one person at a time. Then I came to Shannon. She was a bubbly bright native american girl. When I called her name, she sunk a little and her voice became a little soft. "My daddy died," she said softly. "He was drunk, and he got hurt and died, and now my uncle is in jail and I have a different mommy now. She is white and has blue eyes," as she widens and points to her brown eyes. When I heard that my heart sank, "I'm so sorry to hear that Shannon." She smiled. As the day progressed Shannon came to me and again with her soft voice asked me, "Can I have a hug please?" I looked at her brown eyes and said, "Of course you can!" and I gave her the biggest hug I could. I knew that it was against the rules to hug a student, but I knew she really needed it. She left my embrace and continued her work. I smiled. Somehow I needed that hug just as much as she did.

When I left home I was still thinking about Shannon and how much she already had to endure. Life was already asking too much from this 6 year old, but from what I can tell by her face, she didn't seem to mind. Maybe she is too innocent to realize just how horrible her situation really is... or maybe I have been so selfish and egotistical to realize that what I have been through isn't the end of the world after all. I mean here I am, alive and living. Living a life that a lot of people would die for, and someone did. When Shannon told me her story there was no hint of resentment, no hint of self-pity, there was only facts. And when she needed a hug she came and asked for it. I can't begin to tell you what a powerful lesson that was for me. Even though I came into that classroom as the teacher, I left as the student. I think I can better grasp what Jesus was saying about becoming like children in order to inherit the kingdom of God.

God is so good.

Ten Years Goes By So Fast

Today is 10 years that my husband and I have been together. Now, we have been married only five years, but we met ten years ago today. It's crazy how time flies. Ten years ago I was so lost in myself and I was merely just a naive child. We met at a bar. He was out with his friend and he was very drunk when I met him. I was still under age so I couldn't drink but I was allowed to get into the dance part of the bar so I had went with a few of my friends. I was waiting in line to get in when he was standing at the other door to the bar. Apparently I had captured his attention and so he kept trying to get mine. When I finally looked over to him he waved for me to come over and speak with him. I was shy at first. But he kept waving at me to come over. I told my friend that this guy keeps asking me to go over there, she said go see what he wants. So I did. We introduced ourselves and then since I wasn't allowed inside the actual bar we left. My friends found another way home as they wanted to give me some privacy. So we drove around a bit and ended up at a place where there were natural hot springs. We stuck our feet in and stared at the starry sky and just talked and talked. The more we talked the more I began to like him. I am embarrassed to say, but we did kiss that night. We did a lot of kissing. Looking back I should have made him wait for that, but I really did like him. :) Well, after that we became best friends, and two months after that night I got pregnant. So we moved in together and had our daughter Stacy. We struggled a lot. There were times I kicked him out, and then make up. I wanted to start a different lifestyle while he wanted to stay at our current lifestyle of drinking and drugs. Then I got pregnant again, and our son Kevin was born. So we struggled even more. There were times we couldn't pay the rent or buy food. We fought all the time. So it was time that we made some serious changes or we would end up a part and different from each other. So I started to go to church. Very shortly after he followed. A few months later he proposed to me and we got married and then we got baptized.

We have been through so much in the first four years of our relationship. But we endured and we stayed faithful. Thanks to Jesus we now have a fulfilling life together as husband and wife. We still have our arguments, but nothing like it was before. He takes me out on dates and makes me feel so good about myself as a woman. He is a great dad to the kids now. He is a great example to them. Even though we met the way we did, I don't regret a moment of it. I love him so much. He is still my best friend and no matter what happens now, I will always love him. I know that we will always get through things no matter how tough they may seem. Our love and our relationship is something I cherish, and I know he does too, and because of that we have something so special that it is worth fighting for.

Here is a video I did awhile back. Enjoy.

I'm Thirsty Anyway

"Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way." (1Peter 4:2- the message)

That's one way to think of our suffering, not suffering from physical ailments but suffering from disappointments, discouragements, and frustrations. Looking back I can definitely say that I suffered because I wanted my own way and when I didn't get it, I ended up disappointed, discouraged and frustrated. Mostly I just wanted a life that was problem free. Of course I knew that life has problems, but the way I acted, you could say that I indeed expected life to be smooth sailing. And when the storm came, I didn't trust, I got angry and disappointed. In Max Lucado's book, "Come Thirsty" he describes how our need for God comes from the desert and not the garden. Our thirst, which is really trying to live life our own way, is meant to direct us to the flowing water that only Christ can give us. When we try to live life our own way, we end up empty, frustrated, angry, and disappointed. So does that mean that if we live life God's way that life will be smooth sailing? "So if you find life difficult because you're doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust Him. He knows what he's doing, and he'll keep on doing it. If you're abused because of Christ, count yourself fortunate. It's the Spirit of God and his glory in you that brought you to the notice of others..." (1Peter 4:14,19 the message). So if life is basically hard whether we live for God or not, why should I live for God then?

I like how Max Lucado describes it: He and his wife went on a sailing voyage with some friends. His friend Milt was the captain, a real pro in sailing. The day started out real nice. Lots of sun for tanning, lazing around, and enjoyed God's creation. But then came the storm. It was a big one too. He writes, "Tanning stopped. Napping ceased. Eyes turned first to the thunderclouds, then to the captain. We looked to Milt. He was deliberate and decisive. He told some people where to sit, other what to do, and all of us to hang on. And we did what he said. Why? We knew he knew best. No one else knew the difference between starboard and stern. Only Milt did. We trusted him. We knew he knew. And we knew we didn't...." The reason we live God's way is because God knows life better than we do. He knows why sin is so bad for us, and what the consequences are. He knows the way to true and joyful life. It doesn't mean that life is going to be smooth sailing because we will suffer when we decide to turn our life to His care. Why? Because of what this says, "Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way." (1Peter 4:2- the message). It isn't easy to let go of our own way, and when we do you bet there is going to be some strain and effort. And let us not forget also that storms come into our life regardless of where we stand, only lets hope that we are standing on the rock and not on sinking sand! Sometimes life throws us a curve ball, and it is up to us on how we will respond to that. For too long I reacted, not responded. It is unfair of me to accept the good things from God and sing with joy, and then fight the bad things from God and become indifferent. Submitting to God's will is not an act of defeat, or crushing your self-esteem. Accepting the problems in your life and learning to trust God while facing them is the greatest act of faith. Sometimes we have to wait and see what the solution is, sometimes we have to take responsibility and make amends for what we did wrong, and sometimes it is beyond our control and all we can do is keep going, and keep trusting.

One of my favorite songs, "Bring On The Rain" sings about how life can be pretty hard, but you know, we don't have to let certain situations (problems) get us down, or defeat us. So I end this post with those lyrics. Really think about them when you read them.

nother day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war ('cause)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

A New Chapter

I am so excited about this new chapter in my life. I am meeting some new friends and I feel as though that little dying spark I had in my heart is beginning to be a flame again. I am really enjoying the new church we are going to. This past Sunday they put on a thing for the kids, called Kids 411. There was a play that was about honor, which is what the kids are learning in their classes, and it was fun as well as entertaining. After the play there were tons of games to play. Stacy got slimed which was a lot of fun. In one game the parents had to hold a cup while the kids had to fill it up with a spray bottle full of water. The kids had to stand about 4 feet from us so we got pretty soaked. In another game there was an obstacle course where the family had to place a rope between their legs and as they try and get through the obstacle course they get shot with a water gun. There was also plenty of food too. Free cotton candy, sno cones, and popcorn. And of course there was a jumper. We had the best time! I felt really good to have some family time like that.

My husband and I also joined a small group. We were pretty apprehensive about it at first. But we knew it was something we needed to do. It turns out that the small group is in the same neighborhood we are in, we can literally walk to the house. We went to our first meeting on Monday night and we felt right at home. I was just amazed at how welcoming they were to all of us who were new to group. I know that God will guide us in our time together to learn more and be more. What attracted me most was their desire to not only learn what the Bible teaches, but to go out and do it. I was impressed with their love for one another, as it was very obvious, as some of these people have been in this small group for some time. The impression I am getting is that this new church is really about promoting churches in our community. In other words, the real church meets at peoples homes where personal prayer requests and needs can be met. As well as intimate Bible study and fellowship. And then we all gather at the "temple courts" on Saturday evening or Sunday morning for spiritual teachings and communion. I did notice right away that this new church had no kitchen or fellowship hall, and now I know why. They want people to eat at homes with each other. So instead of finding kitchens and programs, you find volleyball and basketball courts and lots of ministries. Here is the website to our small group: http://parkhillsmallgroup.blogspot.com/

I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that God is working some great things in our life. And not just in ours but in everyone's. Looking back, I now see that God has been directing my steps and leading me because He does in fact care about me and those around me.

Second Chances

It is time I let go of hurt feelings and resentments... It is time for a new way of thinking; a new way of living. So as a symbol of God erasing all my sins, I erased all my posts so that my blog is as white as snow. A clean slate to write new things in the same way God gives me clean slates in life, to write whatever I chose. I have realized that I am no teacher of the book, and I don't need to prove that to anybody. I want this blog to go in a new direction; in the same direction I am going with my spiritual walk. Good bye to the old, hello to the new! Thank God for second, second chances....

Stay tuned