Sometimes Life is Wonderful!

Sometimes life is funny; sometimes life is hard; sometimes life is unusual; sometimes life is confusing; sometimes life is life! Every time I think I have it figured out, life throws me something to remind me that I don't have a clue. So maybe life isn't about trying to figure it out, but is in fact about living it. There really is no right or wrong way to do that, its just being able to enjoy whatever it is that life throws at you. Sure there are times life throws you something unbearable and horrible, but somehow we seem to make it through okay, and sometimes we make it through a better person. But sitting around wondering what my purpose is, or what the point of it all is, is really just a big waste of time. The truth is, is that I have the power to live the life I desire. The only thing stopping me is me. I used to think that if I had more money or more time then I would be able to live life more freely and abundantly, but that isn't true. If I did have more money and more time, I would still be dreaming and wishing life was different some how. I used to think that if I had grew up differently or had chosen to do things differently than what I had chosen in the past then I would of had the life I wanted, but the truth is, is that I would still think my life could have been better if that was true. Take for example how I recently discovered a truth that was supposed to change my life but didn't. I always thought that if my relationship with my parents were different than I would be happy and free to live a very joyful life. I always believed that if my parents changed, then I could be happy. So this weekend while visiting with them, I noticed the change in their life. They are living a life that may not be exactly what I had pictured, but a life that seems to be different and better than the one they were living before. I genuinely knew that they were trying and wanting something more out of their life and that they in fact are doing what they need to do to make things right again. As I was witnessing this little miracle, I noticed that I wasn't feeling what I thought I would be feeling. There were no tears of joy, no words coming out of my mouth that I thought would come out, no HUGE change in me what so ever! I was confused. Why wasn't I happy for this longed for change? Why wasn't I filled with ecstatic joy? And most importantly why was my life still the same? Why hadn't it changed? Then I became angry. I didn't like this new change I saw in them, and I tried desperately to find something to complain about, something to make me see that what I was witnessing was nothing more but a temporary mid-life crisis.

As I was running this morning I knew that deep down inside I was very happy for their new life. I was glad that they are living the life they are desiring. Then a word came to me... F E A R. I didn't pay much attention to it, but it just kept coming to my mind. So I gave in, what did this word have to do with my parents... and then it hit me. Nothing. This word has nothing to do with my parents, and everything to do with me. And then it dawned on me that reason my life didn't change because theirs did was because they have nothing to do with my happiness in life. And then I realized that NOTHING has the power to make me happy but me. The reason I became angry with their changed life was because now I had no excuse left. I used my childhood and their present behavior as an excuse to keep me from living the life I wanted because deep down I was really afraid. But I never wanted to deal with my fears because I was too busy with the excuses. And with this excuse gone, what do I have left? F E A R! For some reason beyond my understanding, I have been afraid to go after what I really desire out of life. Too afraid to dream big; afraid of intimacy; afraid of success; afraid of love; afraid of failure; afraid of rejection; afraid of getting hurt, and the list goes on and on...

Where did this fear come from? How do I get rid of it? Sometimes life is like that. I know I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I also know that trying to figure it out may be just another distraction to keep me hidden and alone. The fact that I am aware of my fears may be all I need for right now to gain the courage to live a little at time. But as the good book says, "perfect love casts out fear," I must remember that when I get lost in my fears, I just have to remind myself of the perfect love that redeems me and gives me power to overcome anything.

Just as I learned how to ice skate on Sunday, I must learn how to live without holding others responsible for my happiness. I get on the ice and I don't even know how to stand on it with out falling and stumbling, but soon I learn to just stand, and then with a little courage I push my self along the ice, and I fall. How embarrassing! I want to stop because it hurts and the ice skates are uncomfortable, but I don't want to sit on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoying the time. I can't seem to get up, so a friend comes along and takes hold of my hand and helps me up. I stand with all my balance and again with a little courage I push my self along the ice, I stumble, but I do not fall. I hold on to the wall as a guide to help me. Little by little I am gliding on the ice. "Let go of the wall" suggests a friend, but I am too afraid! What if I fall and hurt myself? What if everyone laughs at me? What if.... So with a little more courage I let go of the wall, risking the chance to fall, but I know that I can't hold on to the wall forever. Just a few yards away from the wall and I am gliding along very slowly and very carefully. Slowly I challenge myself to go a little faster, and then I fall, hard. I look over at my friend and he is laughing. My worst fear has come true. But then, something unusual is happening to me, as I begin to laugh too. I find it funny too. I get up by myself and continue to push myself further. I can't tell you how many times I fell, but by the end of the day, I was skating! S K A T I N G ! ! ME! It was one of the most exhilarating things I had ever experienced! I put my arms out, and it felt like I was flying! I circled the arena several times and nobody or anything could ever take away the laughter and the joy I had felt... why? Because joy is something I find in myself when I risk the chance to go out and do something I know is going to hurt me. It is not found on external circumstances or external relationships, but is found in the DOING, in MYSELF! Living life is what life was made for. We will fall, we will stumble, but it is in those times when we know we are on the right path, because living life on the sidelines, living a comfortable, safe life is not living at all. Love is exactly the same thing. You learn to love by loving, not by studying it. And so life is for living. And happiness is our own responsibility.

Sometimes life is funny; sometimes life is hard; sometimes life is unusual; sometimes life is confusing; and sometimes life is wonderful! 

The greatest gifts...

Its that time of year again: Shopping, parties, baking, wrapping, unwrapping; and so I have been thinking a lot about gifts lately. It just seems to me that no matter how much I say this season is not about presents, it still seems to be the main focus. So I began to think about the greatest gift of all; Jesus Christ. I have yet to fully grasp the meaning of it all and what I am supposed to do with such a precious gift. Its true that this gift offers me eternal life. (John 3:16) But I happen to believe that this gift offers way more than that, as if that were even possible. But as I reflect back on my journey it is clear to me that this gift has given me much more than eternal life; It has given me, me! Everyday I learn more about myself as walk this journey of faith. Not all of it is pretty but over all I like what I am finding. Sure I made some pretty big mistakes, and sure I have done some pretty bad things, but the gift of the cross reminds me that I am forgiven, and not only forgiven but I have another chance to make it right. The gift of the cross allows me to make mistakes, not to be conformed into a perfect, rigid human being, but to be a human being who is me! In other words, the greatest gift God has given us through Jesus is the permission to be ourselves. We don't have to pretend to be nothing more or nothing less. We don't have to pretend that we have all the answers, or that we are sinless or perfect. We don't have to pretend that we don't think bad thoughts, or that we struggle like everybody else. I don't have to watch everything I do, I just need to be me.

If anything, I am learning that trying to be someone else, (conformity) is an empty, burdensome way to live. Sure being myself is risky. It means I will risk making mistakes, I risk being rejected and it means the risk of independence. And isn't that what God wants for us-- Free Will! There is a lot of fear to live life independently from all that is around us. And it is even riskier when you attend a church, where conformity is the norm. But to take a leap of faith and say, "I am done pretending." and start living your own life that glorifies God in your own way is exactly why Jesus died. Jesus didn't die just so we can live forever in heaven, but so that we may live right here right now. And not just live a life of mediocrity, or conformity, but a life full all the things He showed us- kindness, joy, love, peace, discipline, goodness, a life full of giving, full of risk and adventure. Jesus didn't die so that we might have religion. Jesus didn't die so that we may be successful in our careers. Jesus didn't die so that we may have knowledge of the scriptures. Jesus didn't die so that we go around pretending we are someone we are not, (which is my definition of a hypocrite whether you are religious or not). Jesus died FOR me and FOR you to have live and have it ABUNDANTLY! You can't live life if you are hiding, running, pretending, conforming, lying, settling for less. You are living life when you deny those things and take that leap of faith and start walking on the water. Sure you may loose focus and start drowning, but He is always there to lend a hand when you need it.

The greatest gift IS Jesus himself. He offers so much more to us, if we but risk and be ourselves. But I find nothing more liberating than learning to be me and glorifying God in all I do, even if I make mistakes, even if I am rejected, even if at times I feel all alone. But the more I see myself as an individual hand crafted by God, unique in every aspect, I know that God wants nothing more from me than just me. And so the greatest gift I can give God--ME!

Just Maybe...

I don't know why, but I am finding myself depressed, and angry. Maybe its because everywhere I turn there is so much sickness, sorrow, loss, suffering and hate. This time of year is supposed to be full of peace, joy and giving and yet I can't seem to really see it, even when its staring right at me. I just keep thinking about when will it all end? I know that suffering brings us closer to God; I know that loss makes us appreciate what we had more; I know that sorrow is neccessarry and a part of life; but hate? I don't know where that lies in the grand scheme of things. Where is the hope that is promised? Where is my faith? Its true that I haven't been doing a great job with seeking it, but it never seems enough. I never seem enough. I mean even if I was the "perfect" child then I wouldn't be in need of a savior. So maybe all this stuff I have been feeling and seeing is just a reminder of how much I need Jesus in my life. I mean, if I for one second, believed that I could attain salvation through how well I did things in my life, then what would have been the point of the cross. I guess I am saying this because I want to justify my not being a good Christian. I may attend services faithfully but I don't volunteer a lot of my time with service work. I would like to read and study my bible more often, but I just don't always have that kind of time. I would love to be more giving to the poor, more kind to my family, more knowledgeable in the scriptures, and I would love to be able to conquer all my sins! But if I could do all that, then maybe the cross wouldn't be as effective for me. Just maybe, the cross does more for me than I think it does. Just maybe, the cross will accept me just as I am right now. Just maybe, all wrongs will be made right all because of the cross and not because of what "I" have accomplished. Just maybe, the hope is in Jesus and not how well I am as a Christian! Just maybe....

Just wondering....

What is a hypocrite? 

All I need

The truth is, is that I still get hurt when I feel left out. I especially harbor hurt feelings when I don't get invited to do things with family and friends. My knee jerk reaction when I find out I haven't been included or forgotten is; "What's wrong with me?" but I am beginning to see the immaturity in this thinking. For one, there are things going on that are beyond my understanding, and two, it really doesn't matter. I know who I was, but that isn't really who I am. I know that I have a hard time making friends, but thank God He knows how to be a friend to someone like me. I may not always get invited to do all the things I would like to do, but I did get invited to the most important thing of all- to be God's child; to be a part of the kingdom of God; to be the bride of Christ! God has not forgotten me, but has in fact specifically chosen me! And thats all I need. 

Be still...

The Bible verse says, "Be still and know that I am God..." This used to have a certain meaning to me when I first came across it. It meant that when I took time out of my busy schedule and looked around me I would notice things I would never notice before- the birds singing, the clocks ticking, the cool breeze against my cheek, the way the clouds moved across the sky, or hear absolutely nothing, and in that silence I could hear God's voice say, "I am God, the Creator!"

But as I continue this journey I am on, this verse has a new meaning for me. Not only do I notice things I would have not noticed because I was too busy; but something else took place while I stood still- the world kept going on without me! All that stuff I mentioned before was just a way of telling me that I am not God. In that stillness I have come to realize that I  really don't have any control outside myself. By staying still, I see that the world continues as it is whether I am participating or not. By staying still, GOD shows me that He is the one who is in control of all things. So all my worrying, my complaining, my trying to force solutions to my problems are nothing more than me getting in the way of seeing His hand at work in my life and in the life of others. By trying to force change in others  all I was really doing was getting in God's way.  By being still I realized that I have spent most of my life trying to play God. Being still doesn't just mean taking time off of your busy schedule, though that is necessary, and "noticing" the things around you, it's being able to be still in yourself at all times so that you are constantly aware that you are not God. When you can really accept that, then you can start to let go and let God. 

God help me be more still in my life! 

Black Friday

Here is an article you may find interesting....

The throng of Wal-Mart shoppers had been building all night, filling sidewalks and stretching across a vast parking lot at the Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, N.Y. At 3:30 a.m., the Nassau County police had to be called in for crowd control, and an officer with a bullhorn pleaded for order.

Tension grew as the 5 a.m. opening neared. Someone taped up a crude poster: “Blitz Line Starts Here.”

By 4:55, with no police officers in sight, the crowd of more than 2,000 had become a rabble, and could be held back no longer. Fists banged and shoulders pressed on the sliding-glass double doors, which bowed in with the weight of the assault. Six to 10 workers inside tried to push back, but it was hopeless...

Read the full article here.

And this Black Friday story has definitely caught, horrifically caught, my attention.

How does such a thing happen? Are people simply evil? No doubt preachers across the country will be talking about this incident from their Sunday morning pulpits. The true meaning of Christmas? Well, for some it seems to be trampling people to death to get a bargain price.

Beyond my horror, this story has had my brain ticking all day. What individual and group dynamics created this incident? Here's how I've been breaking it down.

1.) You have a highly motivated, focused person to show up at 3:30 am. This person is investing a lot to get out to the store.

2.) When this person arrives at Walmart he/she is thinking he/she is going to be the early bird that gets the worm. There are expectations (hopes) in play.

3.) However, upon arrival the shopper finds a huge crowd. Expectations are dashed. Frustration grows.

4.) The crowd grows to 2,000. Frustration turns to anxiety. The person in line does a simple calculus: There are only so many products and deals inside. Much fewer than 2,000. It appears that the shopper has gotten up early, driven to the store, and stood in line for nothing. That is, unless, the shopper can get inside first.

Psychologically, we now have a perfect storm. Each person has a sunk cost. And rather than walk away people begin to raise the stakes by jockeying for position. Inch by inch the crowd pushes forwad. It's an irrational escalation of commitment, it's a dollar auction. We have 2,000 people playing a game as adversaries. One person starts jockeying for position. This rattles the people around them. These people fear they will be too slow. So they start pushing forward to gain an inch on a competitor. This jittery behavior soon takes over the entire crowd. Particularly as the clock gets closer to 5:00. The mass of people starts pushing forward, preparing to run. And the more jittery and hostile the crowd the more people become emotional and focused on self-preservation: "When this crowd breaks I'm moving forward. Fast." To get the deal? Probably. But I'm thinking a kind of mass hysteria began to take over as well.

I'm sure social psychologists will analyze this incident in the days and months to come. As I said, preachers will be drawing a great many lessons from this incident, decrying this worst outcome of the commercialization of Christmas. And I don't disagree. But I also keep wondering about what was going on in the crowd. What where the small steps that led to the jittery, panicky escalation? The people in that crowd are just like you and me. So what happened to them in that crowd?

Its Me!

I may never come to a point in my life where I no longer need God to redeem me from some sick sin. Maybe thats the way He wants it. His job after all is to redeem me, not once, or twice, but always. I may be an emotional basket case, but I am an emotional basket case who loves God and believes in His promises of redemption, hope and transformation. And transformation is a life long process. If I am honest with myself, it is easy for me to look at everyone else and how sick they are just to make myself feel a little bit better about my sickness. "At least I'm not as bad as that girl...yikes!" And although the bible is clear about self examination and warns us against judging others and gossiping we have taken that bible and used it as a hiding device; or a defense mechanism. "Yeah, I know I need to change, but look at those people over there... I'm not as bad as them." How many times do you read scripture and think of someone else other than yourself when it comes to changing ones ways? Though the bible warns against us judging others, we use the bible to do it. Though the bible warns against gossip we do it because its for our brothers own good. 

I may be no scholar of the bible, and I may not understand or have the greatest insight about certain verses, but I do know that God is true, alive, loving and patient. I know that it does me no good to sit in a church and get filled up with good music, fun sermons with good messages, and participate in small group things when I take no inventory of myself. When I am too busy talking about someone else's walk, or another groups, or when I am too busy trying to figure out why people are the way they are, I have no time to allow God to transform me or redeem me. 

I'll tell you in one word what's wrong with the church, and what's wrong with the world. ME!