Tough Burden to Carry

Its not always easy being a Christian. Maybe because its not always easy being right while everybody else is wrong....

I came from a group of believers where what we believed and being right was more important than our spiritual growth and how we treated others. In fact if you did not believe exactly as they did, then you were the outcast, disfellowshiped and shunned. I use to think that if I didn't have all the answers or if I didn't believe the "right" things about God then I would be less of a Christian and God looked down at me with disappointment and disbelief. So the more I tried to get all the answers and study the "right" beliefs the more empty I became inside--I was isolated from others because I couldn't associate with those who had different beliefs, sure I could hang out with them, but eventually if they didn't convert to my set of standards then eventually I would have to say good-bye to the relationship. My self-esteem was diminshing because no matter how hard I studied, or how much I served, it was just never enough. I became depressed and I turned into a person I did not want to be-self-righteous, arrogant and angry. It was hard to live being right all the time and yet knowing I still wasn't living up. The guilt, the shame, the jealousy, was eating me alive. I wanted to desperately reach out and let others know what was going on in my heart, but they couldn't hear it. "just keep studying, just keep praying, just keep doing what you are doing..." but the more I did, the more I empty I was becoming. I couldn't express my deep feelings because everytime we got together it was all about the text. There was no concern for what was really happening in our hearts, all that mattered was fine tuning our theology-making sure we had all our t's crossed and all our i's dotted.

It makes me cringe when I think about whats important in a Christians life. We would rather be right about a text that doesn't really apply to one's life than to reach out and lend an ear and offer some compassion.

I have to say that I was thrilled to find out that God does NOT want me to have all the answers. It thrilled me to know that God's grace not only covers my behavior, but my doctrine too. What an amazing God we serve....

What was it that Jesus said, "My burden is light, My yoke is easy...." or something like that....

A wonderful gift

Right now I am watching the sun set behind all the houses in my neighborhood. The clouds are glowing. The trees are swaying in the breeze. My children are watching some T.V. and my husband is working in the backyard. The world is going on around us doing its own thing. Yet my heart is content. I have everything I need. I have the love of God through and in Jesus and so that makes everything around me wonderful and mysterious and great. I should be worried about my family and our economic situation, but I am not. He will provide, He will take care of us. I should be working hard and staying busy to assure that I have accomplished something, but being still and knowing that He is God is priceless. I could go on about how horrible life is and wonder what the point of all of "it" is--but I won't, because I know that in this life, happiness and comfort is not the primary goal. There is no goal. It is being able to let life happen and know that you are not going to die because of a few hardships. It is letting God love you--allowing Him to take care of you. It is being able to sit and watch the world around you go crazy and angry while you are able to enjoy the beauty of the sun setting being confident that He will fulfill His word. Contentment in whatever circumstance is key to being able to have peace in your heart. Letting go of hurts and wrongs, and forgiving them, allows you to be free to have a life that brings joy and riches. What a wonderful gift He has given us! 

God show me how

When you love someone it is our responsibility to let them know when they are doing bad... right?  But what if you really are not sure, and they don't tell you- they refuse to open up to you but you can see that they are doing bad. How do you gently tell them that you are disappointed with their choices, and that they are clearly not in the right path? Where do you cross the fine line between grace and truth? But how am I to be clear that my path is right and theirs is wrong?  I know that Jesus says I have to take the speck out of my eye first before I pay any attention to my sister's speck, SO THAT I am able to help her take it out. But how do I know? How do I say? A letter, a phone call, face to face confrontation.... 

This discipline of accountability is not easy. God be with me....