Tough Burden to Carry

Its not always easy being a Christian. Maybe because its not always easy being right while everybody else is wrong....

I came from a group of believers where what we believed and being right was more important than our spiritual growth and how we treated others. In fact if you did not believe exactly as they did, then you were the outcast, disfellowshiped and shunned. I use to think that if I didn't have all the answers or if I didn't believe the "right" things about God then I would be less of a Christian and God looked down at me with disappointment and disbelief. So the more I tried to get all the answers and study the "right" beliefs the more empty I became inside--I was isolated from others because I couldn't associate with those who had different beliefs, sure I could hang out with them, but eventually if they didn't convert to my set of standards then eventually I would have to say good-bye to the relationship. My self-esteem was diminshing because no matter how hard I studied, or how much I served, it was just never enough. I became depressed and I turned into a person I did not want to be-self-righteous, arrogant and angry. It was hard to live being right all the time and yet knowing I still wasn't living up. The guilt, the shame, the jealousy, was eating me alive. I wanted to desperately reach out and let others know what was going on in my heart, but they couldn't hear it. "just keep studying, just keep praying, just keep doing what you are doing..." but the more I did, the more I empty I was becoming. I couldn't express my deep feelings because everytime we got together it was all about the text. There was no concern for what was really happening in our hearts, all that mattered was fine tuning our theology-making sure we had all our t's crossed and all our i's dotted.

It makes me cringe when I think about whats important in a Christians life. We would rather be right about a text that doesn't really apply to one's life than to reach out and lend an ear and offer some compassion.

I have to say that I was thrilled to find out that God does NOT want me to have all the answers. It thrilled me to know that God's grace not only covers my behavior, but my doctrine too. What an amazing God we serve....

What was it that Jesus said, "My burden is light, My yoke is easy...." or something like that....