Sometimes Life is Wonderful!

Sometimes life is funny; sometimes life is hard; sometimes life is unusual; sometimes life is confusing; sometimes life is life! Every time I think I have it figured out, life throws me something to remind me that I don't have a clue. So maybe life isn't about trying to figure it out, but is in fact about living it. There really is no right or wrong way to do that, its just being able to enjoy whatever it is that life throws at you. Sure there are times life throws you something unbearable and horrible, but somehow we seem to make it through okay, and sometimes we make it through a better person. But sitting around wondering what my purpose is, or what the point of it all is, is really just a big waste of time. The truth is, is that I have the power to live the life I desire. The only thing stopping me is me. I used to think that if I had more money or more time then I would be able to live life more freely and abundantly, but that isn't true. If I did have more money and more time, I would still be dreaming and wishing life was different some how. I used to think that if I had grew up differently or had chosen to do things differently than what I had chosen in the past then I would of had the life I wanted, but the truth is, is that I would still think my life could have been better if that was true. Take for example how I recently discovered a truth that was supposed to change my life but didn't. I always thought that if my relationship with my parents were different than I would be happy and free to live a very joyful life. I always believed that if my parents changed, then I could be happy. So this weekend while visiting with them, I noticed the change in their life. They are living a life that may not be exactly what I had pictured, but a life that seems to be different and better than the one they were living before. I genuinely knew that they were trying and wanting something more out of their life and that they in fact are doing what they need to do to make things right again. As I was witnessing this little miracle, I noticed that I wasn't feeling what I thought I would be feeling. There were no tears of joy, no words coming out of my mouth that I thought would come out, no HUGE change in me what so ever! I was confused. Why wasn't I happy for this longed for change? Why wasn't I filled with ecstatic joy? And most importantly why was my life still the same? Why hadn't it changed? Then I became angry. I didn't like this new change I saw in them, and I tried desperately to find something to complain about, something to make me see that what I was witnessing was nothing more but a temporary mid-life crisis.

As I was running this morning I knew that deep down inside I was very happy for their new life. I was glad that they are living the life they are desiring. Then a word came to me... F E A R. I didn't pay much attention to it, but it just kept coming to my mind. So I gave in, what did this word have to do with my parents... and then it hit me. Nothing. This word has nothing to do with my parents, and everything to do with me. And then it dawned on me that reason my life didn't change because theirs did was because they have nothing to do with my happiness in life. And then I realized that NOTHING has the power to make me happy but me. The reason I became angry with their changed life was because now I had no excuse left. I used my childhood and their present behavior as an excuse to keep me from living the life I wanted because deep down I was really afraid. But I never wanted to deal with my fears because I was too busy with the excuses. And with this excuse gone, what do I have left? F E A R! For some reason beyond my understanding, I have been afraid to go after what I really desire out of life. Too afraid to dream big; afraid of intimacy; afraid of success; afraid of love; afraid of failure; afraid of rejection; afraid of getting hurt, and the list goes on and on...

Where did this fear come from? How do I get rid of it? Sometimes life is like that. I know I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I also know that trying to figure it out may be just another distraction to keep me hidden and alone. The fact that I am aware of my fears may be all I need for right now to gain the courage to live a little at time. But as the good book says, "perfect love casts out fear," I must remember that when I get lost in my fears, I just have to remind myself of the perfect love that redeems me and gives me power to overcome anything.

Just as I learned how to ice skate on Sunday, I must learn how to live without holding others responsible for my happiness. I get on the ice and I don't even know how to stand on it with out falling and stumbling, but soon I learn to just stand, and then with a little courage I push my self along the ice, and I fall. How embarrassing! I want to stop because it hurts and the ice skates are uncomfortable, but I don't want to sit on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoying the time. I can't seem to get up, so a friend comes along and takes hold of my hand and helps me up. I stand with all my balance and again with a little courage I push my self along the ice, I stumble, but I do not fall. I hold on to the wall as a guide to help me. Little by little I am gliding on the ice. "Let go of the wall" suggests a friend, but I am too afraid! What if I fall and hurt myself? What if everyone laughs at me? What if.... So with a little more courage I let go of the wall, risking the chance to fall, but I know that I can't hold on to the wall forever. Just a few yards away from the wall and I am gliding along very slowly and very carefully. Slowly I challenge myself to go a little faster, and then I fall, hard. I look over at my friend and he is laughing. My worst fear has come true. But then, something unusual is happening to me, as I begin to laugh too. I find it funny too. I get up by myself and continue to push myself further. I can't tell you how many times I fell, but by the end of the day, I was skating! S K A T I N G ! ! ME! It was one of the most exhilarating things I had ever experienced! I put my arms out, and it felt like I was flying! I circled the arena several times and nobody or anything could ever take away the laughter and the joy I had felt... why? Because joy is something I find in myself when I risk the chance to go out and do something I know is going to hurt me. It is not found on external circumstances or external relationships, but is found in the DOING, in MYSELF! Living life is what life was made for. We will fall, we will stumble, but it is in those times when we know we are on the right path, because living life on the sidelines, living a comfortable, safe life is not living at all. Love is exactly the same thing. You learn to love by loving, not by studying it. And so life is for living. And happiness is our own responsibility.

Sometimes life is funny; sometimes life is hard; sometimes life is unusual; sometimes life is confusing; and sometimes life is wonderful!